Popstars - the year ahead

I think the rejected five should be formed into a band, a kind of anti-Popstars. Bitter, vengeful young things wearing black and singing about death, drugs and the pain of being hugely talented attractive folk who don’t quite cut it. This will be bigger than all previous rock’n’roll feuds rolled into one. It’ll reach a peak by Christmas when Popstars A will make a bid for the Xmas No. 1 with their cover of a classic Steps tune, only to have Popstars B (since blamed for three school shootings and the ritual sacrifice of a pet hamster in Dulwich) release a surprise rival bid for the top, a hate-filled scream-fest of bile about how they’ve never liked any of the Christmas presents their parents ever bought them and what’s Boxing Day all about anyway. The entire Christmas Top of the Pops will be given over to a marathon Popstars session with Billie presenting from the safety of a plexiglass booth in the corner of the studio. Both groups play all their number one hits of the past year, while rival groups of teenage fans pelt each other with Sunny Delight-soaked wads of Pringles as the climax approaches. The final five minutes are simulcast on BBC 1 and 2 in a unique “interactive TV experiment,” allowing the viewer to select images and sound of their favourite of the two Xmas singles, being sung simultaneously by the bands now seperated by a fire-filled chasm. Across the nation fights break out in living rooms as sulky teenagers beat their younger siblings senseless with remote controls in an effort to watch their favourite anti-heroes scream on BBC2. As both tunes leave their simultaneous middle-eights, with the Irish lad about to angrily RiverDance his way over to Myleene and burn the strings of her harp, with the studio descending into some horrific pre-pubescent West Side Story, with Billie cowering alone in her piss-sodden booth, Darius will descend from the heavens and bring peace and love to the world, and a new era of enlightenment shall dawn in which all men will be free to sing Britney Spears tunes without fear of being mocked by their peers.