Any Mac owner who's installed Microsoft software should find something to identify with here. It's the conspiracy we've always suspected to be true.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (willie* chang) Subject: MS workers' confession Date: Mon, 4 Sep 1995 Posted to: comp.sys.mac.advocacy MS workers' confession: "Working in MS is so easy, just look at a Mac and monkey see monkey do, don't even need to do any R&D, and bugs are forgiven anyway..." "There're things we can't figure out how Apple does it, like how to develop toolbox calls for apps to sum up all sorts of DTP entities such as type faces and drawings, to determine the required file saving size for the app to check disk space to fore-warn users about disk space problem, or during copying several files the user can cancel the operation and that the old files remain intact even when there hadn't been any additional disk/ diskette/ RAM space to retain old files during writing. This algorithm is not trivial." "Other things Apple does for users' convenience like checking installation diskettes (or diskette images) may already be inserted in multiple diskette drives (or images mounted) during installation, and the installation script will get on to it and not ask users for the next diskettes if seen inserted or mounted... well, we skip these development concerns and overheads, and just assume the user has one diskette drive, so that we don't need to do additional programming. After all, why concern the small percentage of users having multiple- diskette drive systems, right?" "And about that recovering old files during files writing or copying if the user so choose to cancel the operation, forget it 'coz users should make up their minds first! They should read some books, learn from video tapes, take some classes about how to use a computer..." "Oh and about people complaining Word saving files onto diskette too slow, they should use hard disk, why diskette? Not a normal thing to do, just a small percentage of people would do that in a small percentage of occassions. Who cares?" "We can dress it up like a Mac, and sell a billion bucks even if it doesn't work. Most people would pay for it so long as it's MS product. It's futile to complain about bad products anyway since there're far more people who don't know computer and software are not synonymous to clone PC and MS... So like I said, just put out something like a trash can uh... recycle bin and show it 100 times a week on TV ads, not only the stocks get jacked up but also Time magazine will be saying that we're making computer history." "A simple GUI's trick is: when something cannot run fast enough like a Mac, just let additional, often unnecessary, message dialogs show up and the user is distracted and will feel faster. AKA MS Theory of Relativity." "In order to run MS products, P5, 16M RAM, 1G disk are minimum system requirement, so you see MS products are very high-end, that's the difference from a Mac Plus with M68000 (say i8088-equivalent) CPU, 1M RAM and 20M disk, which does about the same things. So MS promotes hardware and also computer furniture industry, kinda like housing industry promoting many other related industries, and does escalate the global economy... I'm very proud of being a MS worker." willie* email@example.com http://nmt.edu/~changw Lawyers thrive on mishaps; religions, calamities. Heaven is no need to deal with "alfonsos" (professional as*h*les).
There are lots of things that suck about being an adult. Dad isn't around to kill things for you, to name one. When arachnophobia strikes, it just comes down to who's less of a baby: your roommate or yourself.
From: Patsyann Jones
Subject: The Beast In The Bathroom To: Genfirstname.lastname@example.org I am reposting this because I know a lot of people missed it, and, frankly, this was one of the defining moments of my adulthood. Plus Patsyann just tells a damn good story. :) FORWARD (story by Patsyann) I was just awakened, about ten minutes ago, by the sound of Michelle standing next to the bathroom going "Oh, god. Oh, god." In fact, I managed to incorporate that into a dream where somebody got shot and the woman who was responsible was going "Oh, god. Oh, god, I shot him. Oh, god, it's all my fault" while someody else -- the shooting victim's brother, in fact -- was manfully taking charge of the situation, telling her it was only a scratch, calling the paramedics, etc, etc. They say dreams only happen in a split second, which must be true, because it seemed to go on forever, when suddenly harsh pounding came at my door. My first startled thought was the KGB had finally come for me, but I have a more overactive imagination than most (not better, necessarily, but it does seem to feel the need to throw up the most illogical solution to the simplest of problems). But it wasn't. It was Michelle, screaming "Oh, my God! You have to help me! Get up and COME HELP ME!" I jerked awake, heart pounding, the tasted of last night's beer foul in my throat. The scent of danger seemed to permeate the very air. So I get up, and went out. I knew it had to be something serious, because nobody, and I mean nobody, ever wants to look at me that soon after my awakening if there's the slightest chance of avoiding it. She was standing in front of the bathroom door, holding a broom and shaking, looking as pale as milk. "You have to be my backup. Look in the sink." So I looked in the sink.... And there it was. The most hideous beast ever created by a vengeful God and released on earth to do His bidding. A spider roughly the size of the bottom of a Coca-cola can. And UGLY?! Man, does Carmen Miranda wear fruit? It was one of those low slung babies, with the big thick crooked legs and a triangular body suspended between them. And one more thing. Something so obvious it was hard to see, something so hideous.... "That spider has nine legs," I said, shocked. "It's some kind of genetic aberration," Michelle said. Michelle continued to babble from behind me, as I stood, locked in steely- eyed confrontation with the beast. "I got up. I peed. I stretched. And then I went to wash my hands...." There was an edge of hysteria in her voice that I didn't like. I knew she was about to crack. And if she did, I would be left to defend the household against the creature alone. We had one chance, my partner and I. Either stop the beast here and now, or ....well, frankly the thought of running away and finding a new place to live crossed my mind. Michelle finished her report on the initial skirmish with the beast. "So I grabbed this broom. I'm thinking I whack it with the broom, drive it toward the drain, and then we pour boiling water on it. I shook my head. "Too risky. It could escape out the side. No, we need something definitive." "How about poison?" Michelle asked. "Too slow," I replied. "And not necessarily effective." No, I decided, this situation called for the big guns. I straightened my hat, flicked the butt of my cigarette off into the bushes (well, mentally) and returned to my room for the ultimate weapon while Michelle remained on guard. "What are you doing?" she asked, that note of panic rising again. "I'm getting a shoe," I told her. "A shoe that I never intend to wear again." Shoe in hand, I returned to the bathroom and stepped inside to do battle with the beast. "Careful," Michelle whispered. "If it moves, I'm coming after it with the broom." Now that action was being taken, her voice was calmer. I clutched the shoe in my hand, reflexively tapping the palm of my left, considering. The beast was crouched on the upper right hand slope of the basin. Tricky. That meant I would have to swing one strong underhand blow, and I had a clear swing at it, but it also meant I only had one chance. It had to be that single blow or never using the bathroom again. For a moment, that seemed a viable option. Then, I thought again. If I couldn't use that bathroom, that meant I would just have to learn to live with the taste of last night's beer in my mouth. The beast was between me and my toothbrush! No, I decided, it's the beast or me. Steeling myself, I raised the shoe over my head. I took a deep breath and lowered the shoe. Panic surged in my torso. "What's the matter? Why didn't you kill it?" Michelle snapped. "It just occurred to me that maybe we could get Stephanie or Sarah to kill it," I replied. "No, they're even worse then we are," she said. "It's us or no one." Shamed by her courage, I gripped my shoe tighter, and raised it again. My arm trembled as I held the shoe at the most outside arc. One shot, my mind babbled. One shot. What if I miss? a darker part of my mind whimpered. I lowered the shoe again. "What is it now?" Michelle snapped. "Maybe we could suck it up with the vacuum cleaner," I said, grasping for any straw. "No," Michelle said. "It's not strong enough, and anyway I don't want to think about that spider scuttling around in the vacuum cleaner bag." My mind recoiled from that idea. Sweat breaking out on my brow, I turned back to the beast. I raised the shoe again. And as I considered my enemy, it seemed to taunt me. You'll never be rid of me, it seemed to say. You'll run away from the bathroom, and when you come back I'll be gone. At least, that's what you'll think. But in the back of your mind, you'll know I'm still out here. And one day, when you least expect it, you'll reach for the toilet paper, or open a dresser drawer, or throw back the covers of your bed...And there I'll be, like grim death on a Pogo stick. And I'll GET YOU. I was defeated. I knew it. There was no way I could kill this beast. I would simply have to admit my cowardice and see if I could get a male friend in here to dispose of the monster. Still holding the shoe, I turned to tell this to Michelle. And there she stood, like an angel of light in baggy sweats and hair like a crow's nest, brandishing her broom. What in the world was I thinking, I wondered suddenly? Michelle and I were the best spider killing team in the world! Together, we had faced down a thousand of the repellant horrors. There was our confrontation with The Spider That Stood On The Wall While We Were Watching TV, and The Spider That Shut The Bedroom Door Behind Itself In Our Old Apartment, The Spider That Dropped Into My Hair At Bumbershoot, and of course, that legendary monster, The Spider That Crawled In From The Storage Shed. With victories like those behind us, no spider standing in the sink could defeat us! One last time pays for all, I prayed, and raising the shoe, I struck! I seemed to hear a fading arachnid scream in my mind as shoe met spider with a resounding splat. Then all I could hear was Michelle's yell of triumph as I shot past her and dove into my room. "You did it! You did it! You're so great!" Michelle applauded me. No, I thought, WE did it, and I pulled the covers around myself and cowered. We have triumphed again. I didn't say that, though. The cameraderie of the spider battleground doesn't allow for sentiment. But somehow, in that wonderful moment, I had to let Michelle know how I felt. Like magic, the words came to me, just the right combination of praise, wit and encouragement to express everthing I wanted. to. "I killed it. YOU clean it up," I said. The End Patsyann "You know what I think would be a good thing to hang in the evenings to keep mosquitos off of you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood." ---Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
While a Windows 95 drinking game sounds like fun at first, we have our reservations. After all, it's when one is in such an inebriated state that one might consider buying the bloody thing.
From: email@example.com (Taylor) Posted to: rec.humor,best.windows95,alt.os.windows95.crash.crash.crash, alt.windows95 .beta,uk.comp.os.win95,comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy, alt.flame.ms-windows,t alk.bizarre Subject: Windows 95 infomercial drinking game. Date: 27 Aug 1995 Summary: Sit back and liquor up to bill's attempt at world domination. Keywords: drinking bill gates win 95 hippo Yes it's the long awaited Drinking Game 95. To be used while enjoying the "Windows 95 Infomercial" coming up this Monday (check local listings for time and channel). Gather together some good friends, curl up next to the tv, and call up this posting on your Mac, OS/2, or UNIX machine. enjoy! p.s. special thanks to anna, alx, mike, and all the taylor.org crew. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Gates Microsoft Windows 95 infomercial drinking game Beta version. *****************************Drink once******************************** Everytime a cute ethnic child is shown being more productive through the use of Win 95. A "new" feature of Win 95 is shown that has been implemented in the Mac OS, OS/2, or third party extensions for years. Someone makes a reference to Bill's money or success. The word "virtual" is used. Microsoft new computer network is refered to as MSN. When "Joe/Jane Q. Computer User's" computing concerns are solved by Win 95. A 1-800 number is displayed. Whenever "plug and play" is used. A reference to how "easy it is" is made. An old person is shown using the computer. The computer speaks directly to the camera. A spokesman from the Computer industry praises Win 95. The word "upgrade" is used. *****************************Drink twice******************************* When a crappy feature/bug of Win 3.1 has been fixed by Win 95. Some politically correct/assinie icon/metaphore is used for a standard function (i.e. "recycle bin") Someone "doesn't understand" a feature, and needs it explained in detail. Plug and play is refered to as "p&p." Any time Anthony Edwards (the host) says the words "World Wide Web." Large, bloated, yet obsolete mega-corporations, toady up to Bill in the hope that some of his sucess will rub off. Anyone makes a medical joke to Anthony Edwards. Any time the phrase "Now is the time..." is used. A person is shown meeting some "Sandra Bullockesque" love interest through MSN. A feature of MSN duplicates an existing internet service. The 'net is refered to as the "Information Superhighway." You are invited to publish your own Web page. You are remined that Win 95 will allow you to attempt any of the following trivial tasks: Balencing home checkbook/budget, college term paper, manage your stock portfolio, order flowers or a pizza, play games, email your grandmother, make plane reservations, 'chat' online, medical imaging, research dinosaurs, download porn, play "global thermonuclear war," or open the pod bay doors. *****************************Drink thrice****************************** Bill makes reference to his wealth and/or sucess. A crappy feature/bug from Win 3.1 continues on into Win 95. Any reference to "screw-up." A reference to "You've been waiting a long time, but now here it is..." Win 95 crashes the demonstration computer. A competetor's product is shown. They tell you that this is "the last operating system you'll ever need." Bill breaks down, turns to the camera and say "Easy is not better!" ******************************Drain it********************************* A "new" feature intoduced in Win 95 is totally original, never before implemented in Mac OS, OS/2, or third party extensions. An animated version of Anthony Edwards or Bill Gates appears. Anthony Edwards remarks offhandedly "You ever notice how much Windows looks like the Macintosh operating system?" Drain another if Bill answers, "Nah, we swiped it from Xerox." An explaination to why Win 95 was released a scant few months before '96. Canter & Seigal spam MSN with adds for their latest book before the end of the program. Bill apologizes for his monopolistic business strategy, crappy software, and cult of personality. Hands rights over to Linus Torvalds. Charlie Chaplian "spokesman" from the IBM campaign shows up. . . . . .. . . ... .._..._...__..firstname.lastname@example.org
Taking Net scams to a whole new level....
From: email@example.com (Candy-Colored Clown) Subject: GenErection's New Clone-A-Chick!! Date: Tue, 29 Aug 1995 Posted to: alt.personals,alt.romance,chi.personals Tired of 1-900-SEX-LINES, exorbitantly-priced videotapes, low-resolution online graphics, biochemical attractants, and polyurethane replicas? What you need is GenErection's new CLONE-A-CHICK!! Just mix our patented, specially formulated DNA enzyme packet with water, and you've got INSTANT-BABE!! All YOU supply is the petri dish!! Many models to choose from, including nubile Swedish servant, harried career feminist, street slut, and our newly formulated, drug-addicted Gothic dominatrix!! If you act now, I will include, absolutely free, my new book--'Creating A More Satisfying Significant Other Through Mitosis.' Don't let this fantastic offer slip away!! Dial 1-800-JUST-ANOTHER-SCAM-DESIGNED-TO- PREY-ON-LONELY-AND/OR-EXCEEDINGLY-HORNY-INDIVIDUALS! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A CANDY-COLORED CLOWN THEY CALL THE SANDMAN" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The art of the well-timed fake press release.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: FWD> San Fran...I mean... Date: Tue, 12 Sep 1995 To: email@example.com CISCO SYSTEMS TO HAVE CITY RENAMED San Jose, California, September 8, 1995 -- Cisco Systems, Inc., (NASDAQ: CSCO), the leading global supplier of internetworking solutions, today announced their agreement with San Francisco, CA to rename the city. Coming on the heals of the 3COM/Candlestick agreement, the city has agreed to roll over again and accept $5,000,000.00 over a period of 5 years to have the name shortened to cisco, CA. >According to a company spokesman, "When we saw how easily the city of San Francisco had rolled over for the 3COM deal, we knew we had an excellent opportunity. The chance to reinforce cisco's presence in the networking community and the world at large is something that we just couldn't pass up. For the price, it's quite a steal." >3COM officials declined to comment on a report that they had tried to block the deal due to their concern that 3COM Park (formerly Candlestick Park) would now be located in cisco, CA. >"With the number of national and international visitors, TV coverage, and the 1999 Superbowl to be held in the newly renamed city, cisco will continue to extend its reach into every facet of the networking world" said the spokesman. "We are proud of the outstanding accomplishments of our employees and partners in fiscal 1995 and we see this as an excellent opportunity to reward them for their dedication." >Cisco Systems, Inc. is the leading global supplier of enterprise networks, including routers, LAN and ATM switches, dial-up access servers and network management software.
Net Soup Contributors: